On a quiet Saturday afternoon at a mall restaurant, we observed two children with their grandparents. During the entire meal, each child wore headphones as they played games on a tablet. I’m not sure how old they were perhaps under 10 years old. Neither of them looked up from their devices and the grandparents looked lost, confused and very much isolated. They couldn’t even peel their eyes away to look at their food.
We see children often, who are literally plugged into the Matrix now, missing out on the world around them. By plugging in they are not settling into their bodies or being aware of how their bodies feel. Years ago, we were on a car trip and our son was embroiled in a handheld video game. When the battery died, he was in a panic, he had no idea he needed to go to the bathroom quite so bad. It was as if during the game he had unplugged himself from his body.
It can be easy to simply demonize screen time and media usage. It’s so pervasive in our society that the idea of cutting it out completely may not be realistic and can be a tremendous amount of work. It’s important to recognize what works for you and what helps develop a healthy balance.
Holding the space can feel tricky. As dads, it’s easy for us to pull out our phones or grab the remote. I have found that this can be a slippery slope. It’s also no substitute for ourselves.
Over and over I have seen media, especially the overuse of it, contribute to tantrums, defiance, irritability, fidgetiness, and problems with sleep.
Two things should be evaluated when we examine media usage in our home, quantity and quality. An easy way to tell if it has become a problem is when it is turned off. If the response from the child is anger, it’s a good indication they have had way too much. They may have been engrossed in something completely tame, “Caillou”, for example. But once its time for dinner or bedtime, and the child displays, anger, frustration or anxiety about the darkened screen its been on for too long.
When one of our children has struggled, we ask them to pay attention to their feelings and their body. Do they like how that feels? We have found for younger children, screens should be off an hour or two before bed, so they can settle and get into a calmer place.
We want to be careful that we don’t’ make media usage and screen time a forbidden fruit. If we can help a child understand why too much or certain kinds can cause them to not feel so good it can help with cooperation but even if they can’t or unwilling to understand, it is up to you to set the ground rules.
When it comes to quality or age appropriateness, we often get reminded of a situation that made our hearts hurt a few years ago. We went to a superhero movie, that had a PG-13 rating but really was skirting an R-rating. It was date night and none of our children were there. We often notice kids that seem to be too young in the theater. That evening there was a four-year-old boy in the theater, who wasn’t just scared but terrified by the contents of the movie. We kept expecting the child’s parents to take him out of the theater and occasionally we would hear whimpering or crying. When the movie was over, we saw the parents in the lobby and the father was telling this little boy, to man up and get over it. We complained at the box office and was told they bought their tickets just like we did and there was nothing they could do.
We have often wondered how common this is. Sometimes our children tell us about movies and TV shows their friends are watching and we wonder do their parents ever have their beds to themselves at night.
Besides anxiety and fear, are children being desensitized or losing parts of their childhood to things they aren’t ready for. When it comes to media usage, we often get asked this: When is it ok to show my kids “Star Wars.” We often tell them, don’t be in such a hurry. It will be there when they are. How will you know? Be present and you will.
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