United We Stand, Divided We Fall

You’ve probably heard the phrase “United we stand, divided we fall,” somewhere, at some time in your life.

That phrase couldn’t be truer than at home. The things that divide can be pervasive, sometimes subtle and require mindfulness and being present to rise above it. We can shield ourselves and our families from most of these things through finding balance. Through our work, we have met couples whose lives seem to be drudgery, they feel like they are exhausted butlers for little people. Some couples may admit that what they felt for each other and about themselves is a fleeting memory as they grind away at one busy day after another.

We often hear about how challenging finding the right work/life balance can be. We can’t spend our attention fully in one place without it waning somewhere else. It’s like those Mario games where when you look at the ghost it stays still but when you look away it creeps towards you.

When things start to go off kilter, we can very much ask ourselves are we escaping from something. Are we just focused or looking for a distraction from something we don’t want to think about? And why?

Can we take our eyes off one aspect of our life long enough to address everything that needs attention? That is where being a team comes in. It is possible.

One thing Melisa and I have worked hard to do is to maintain a balance, so, that kids don’t view one of us as the fun parent and the other the work, school and chores parent. We make sure, that kids see both of us as the fun, work, school and chores parents. Often, when there are times correction is needed, we decide which of us would be best at that particular time and place to deal with the situation.

We both have strengths and weaknesses and connect with kids differently, so we feel it’s vital to always be on the same team to avoid resentment and frustration and achieve peace in our home.

To use a silly metaphor, when we aren’t on the same page together, there can be blood in the water and the sharks can smell it. What I mean by that is children can be opportunists, it doesn’t mean they are bad it just is what it is. They can smell when we aren’t holding the space and when we aren’t in agreement on things. When they smell it, they are tempted to take advantage of it and that can put our partnership on a path where we find ourselves pitted against each other.

We find one of the first things to go when things are out of whack is finding time to connect. This can lead to a trail of sadness and loneliness. It can be a challenge when children don’t want to go to bed or schedules conflict. What happens is we start to let these things become an excuse. Sometimes you must be creative. I’m not just talking about intimacy, but we must not forget it either. Rekindling the connection both of you started out with on a regular basis, will help you stay on the same page and keep you both in a joyful place. Make an inventory of resources for babysitters or family that spend time with kids. This is one of those things that if it isn’t planned it doesn’t happen.

We’ve met a lot of couples over the years that don’t seem to like each other very much and when we talk to them it is easy to trace back to when that started happening. Often, they let themselves get overwhelmed and go into survival mode. The good news is there is hope and with mindfulness and planning you can have all of those plates spinning again.

Melisa and I are very excited to be working with families in a wider capacity. We have seen families change and looking forward to meeting others.